Mr. Laughs Prep 05/13/2025
- FEATURED BIT: “ASK TRUMP”
The only app with the correct answers.
(https://tinyurl.com/3ahm5dpk)
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DAILY HOLIDAYS
- Cough Drop Day
- Frog Jumping Day
- International Hummus Day
- Leprechaun Day
- National Apple Pie Day
- National Fruit Cocktail Day
- Sex Differences in Health Awareness Day
- Top Gun Day
- Tulip Day
- World Cocktail Day
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ONE-LINERS
== TOP O THE NEWS ==
#
One of Pope Leo’s brothers shared a post online calling Nancy Pelosi a drunk. Which is honestly the most factually accurate thing anyone’s ever said about her.
According to a report, this was posted before his sibling was elected Pontiff. And now that his brother is the Pope, he might have to cool it down…even if Nancy DOES continue to drink plenty of wine coolers!
(https://shorturl.at/fbtEg)
#
Democrats are blasting former President Biden’s reemergence in the spotlight following his interview on “The View.” Much like every cast member on that show, people wish he would just go away forever.
(https://tinyurl.com/4yrna7d5)
== POLLS, STUDIES, AND SURVEYS ==
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A new survey finds that 1 in 7 people said they’d rather be the target of negative gossip than be ignored entirely. And the other 6 in 7 people aren’t complete masochists.
The research actually finds that narcissism was the strongest and most consistent predictor of wanting to be gossiped about. So, if a complete narcissist wants you to talk trash, make sure to say awful things about your boss today!
(https://tinyurl.com/mr483be4)
#
According to a new survey, more than a third of New Yorkers admitted to littering. Yeah, there’s so much trash on the sidewalks you’d think it was human poo.
(https://tinyurl.com/58c883k6)
== AROUND THE NATION ==
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South Florida's housing market is undergoing a sharp reversal as the number of homes for sale climbed to its highest level in nearly a decade. You know it’s truly nuts when it’s somehow higher than the RESIDENTS.
Definitely buy a home in South Florida. Because if you don’t mind hurricanes, invasive pythons, huge spiders, limited public transportation, brutal summer humidity, high crime rates, and crappy sports teams, it’s great!
(https://tinyurl.com/hpd9b2pp)
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A mother and son accepted their master's degrees from Texas Christian University together. And with useless college degrees, they can wait on the unemployment line together too!
(https://tinyurl.com/2t3c4nmf)
== AROUND THE GLOBE ==
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An Apple iPhone 13 Pro Max user recently dropped his device while skydiving at 14,000 feet, only to find it in perfect working order on the ground. So, this guy was still able to access the cloud after his phone fell from the cloud.
The phone survived after falling FOURTEEN thousand feet. Which means we all need to give credit to the FOURTEEN-year-old who made it!
(https://tinyurl.com/4yt4edea)
== SHOW BIZ BUZZ ==
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A trailer for the new “Superman” movie drops tomorrow (Wednesday). Superman is still flying high! …but not nearly as high as people who will actually pay money to see him.
You know in the year 2025 they’ll probably change the film title. Yeah, it’s now going to be “SuperPERSON.”
(https://tinyurl.com/3cs58zt5)
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“The King of Kings” has now surpassed the $65 million mark globally. It’s an animated movie about Jesus, so we shouldn’t be surprised that it’s raking in the sacramental bread.
(https://shorturl.at/4jT5F)
== CELEBRITY DRIVEL ==
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Jennifer Lopez celebrated wrapping up her upcoming Netflix rom-com, “Office Romance,” by sharing a carefree video of herself frolicking on the beach. There was sand, crashing waves, seashells…and with Jennifer around there was also crabs.
Sounds like the movie will have a sad ending. Because knowing Jennifer, her office romance ends after a year or two TOPS.
(https://tinyurl.com/pfdu9amd)
#
Playboy star Holly Madison accused her ex-boyfriend Zak Bagans of infidelity with at least seven women. So, he’s more like Zak Douche-Bagans.
He was dating a playboy bunny. But he couldn’t help going out and screwing like a jack rabbit!
(https://shorturl.at/iwaVz)
== SPORTS SPURTS ==
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Cam Newton’s girlfriend, Jasmin Brown, announced that she’s pregnant with the former NFL star’s 9th child. People think he’s nuts, but Cam is a former MVP so he can’t help but score!
Cam is used to penetrating the end zone. But he might want to retire from that in more ways than one…
(https://tinyurl.com/53v6zdvy)
#
New York Yankees star Aaron Judge currently leads all of baseball in home runs, butting average, and RBIs. He’s the scariest guy with a baseball bat in the Bronx side mafia gangsters.
(https://shorturl.at/BkGBX)
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GENIUS AWARDS
AND TODAY’S GENIUS AWARD GOES TO……
SPRINGFIELD, MASSACHUSETTS - A man from Springfield was sentenced to prison for the 2022 shooting of a cook at a Holyoke bar. In December 2022, officers were called to a shooting at the Unicorn Bar on High Street around 8:45 p.m. Upon arrival, officers found 39-year-old Benito Agron, a cook at the bar, had been shot several times.
In a news release sent to 22News from the Hampden District Attorney’s Office, security footage inside the bar revealed that the suspect, 37-year-old John Brown Jr. of Springfield, was sitting at the bar talking with Agron and later received a sandwich from Agron. A verbal interaction ensued when Brown Jr. saw bacon in his sandwich. This turned into a physical fight, and as it was broken up, the DA’s office says, “Brown Jr. yelled at Agron that if he was at the bar when he returned, he would kill him.”
Approximately 30 to 40 minutes later, Brown Jr. returned to the bar and shot Agron with a handgun four times. Several witnesses identified the suspect as Brown Jr., and DNA evidence was recovered from Brown Jr.’s sunglasses, which were left at the bar during the fight. In January 2023, a warrant was issued for the arrest of Brown Jr. During his trial, a Hampden County jury found him guilty of armed assault with intent to murder.
Who gets this mad about bacon on their sandwich? Now if it was VEGAN bacon, I’d understand…
He shouldn’t’ve complained because there are people who eat WAY worse sandwiches. Like anyone who dines at Subway.
(https://shorturl.at/H0nBx)
AND THEN THERE’S……
WHEELING, ILLINOIS - Police in the Chicago area are searching for a woman who is believed to have handed out THC-laced candies to as many as four children in a park on Mother’s Day. The incident occurred around 3:30 pm in Pleasant Run/Four Acres Park in the community of Wheeling. According to the Wheeling Police Department, the four children became sick after eating the candy. They complained of feeling “fatigued and sluggish.”
Police have said that the woman was not known to the children involved. At least one child tested positive for THC after being rushed to a local hospital. THC is the psychoactive compound found in marijuana. During a search of the park, investigators recovered THC-laced chocolate.
The candy was labeled “MOJO THE MILK CHOCOLATE.” The suspect is described as heavyset, between the ages of 50 and 60, with a blue cross tattooed on her shoulder. On Sunday, she was wearing a blue and white leather jacket and left the park from the southbound exit. Anyone with information is asked to call the Wheeling Police Department.
You can’t hand out THC candies to kids. Not even kids named HUNTER!
This lady really ruined Mother’s Day. She’s like a dopey dad who forgot to buy a gift.
(https://shorturl.at/qeAjy)
OR HOW ABOUT……
PHILIPPINES - A naked man covered in mud was found clinging onto the landing gear of a parked commercial aircraft at Ninoy Aquino International Airport Terminal One. The airport police arrested him without resistance. According to the Daily Tribune, a Philippines newspaper, the man was immediately detained and taken to the hospital for medical and psychological evaluation.
Authorities are still trying to determine how the man passed through airport security. The Manila International Airport Authority General Manager said he didn't know where the man passed through, but that airport authorities are investigating all possible routes. The Tribune also raised the possibility that the man might have entered through one of the drainage canals.
A naked man on the landing gear? Sounds like he belonged in the COCKpit!
I’m not sure what we learned from this story. Other than the drugs in the Philippines must be STRONG.
(https://tinyurl.com/ykvmfwy9)
OKAY, ONE MORE……
SOLOMONS, MARYLAND - A La Plata man is facing multiple charges after allegedly being found behind the wheel of a running vehicle with suspected cocaine residue, 13 empty vodka mini bottles, and a blood alcohol concentration nearly three times the legal limit. Deputies responded to a priority call just after 5 p.m. on April 24, 2025, in the area of HG Trueman Road after dispatchers received reports of a man slumped over the wheel of a silver Hyundai. The vehicle was not parked in a designated space and appeared to be positioned in the roadway.
Upon arrival, deputies located the driver, identified as 47-year-old Matthew Kelland Novotny, still in the driver’s seat with the car in drive. When instructed to put the vehicle in park, Novotny allegedly lifted his foot from the brake, causing the car to roll forward and nearly strike the marked patrol vehicle. Once the vehicle was secured, Novotny reportedly struggled to exit and remain standing without assistance. Deputies observed signs of impairment, including bloodshot and watery eyes, disheveled clothing, slurred and incoherent speech, and a strong odor of alcohol.
Novotny allegedly failed multiple field sobriety tests, including the horizontal gaze nystagmus, walk-and-turn, and one-leg stand assessments. Following his arrest, deputies conducted a search and reportedly located two cut straws containing a white powdery residue suspected to be cocaine, along with 13 empty bottles of Tito’s vodka inside the vehicle. Novotny was transported to the Calvert County Detention Center and administered a breathalyzer test, which registered a BrAC of 0.23 percent.
This guy might be the most dangerous driver in Maryland. Which is stunning because Joe Biden drives there.
Thirteen shots of vodka AND cocaine. Where did this guy think he was, a Miami nightclub?
(https://shorturl.at/XSmaO)
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BENCHMARK GAMES
== FAKE NEWS OR FLORIDA ==
I’m going to read you a headline and I want you to tell me if the story is FAKE NEWS or something that really happened in the state of FLORIDA.
A Dade County man was arrested for stealing his daughter’s Girl Scout Cookie money to pay off his bookie ….. FAKE NEWS
A Winter Springs woman named Kitty was arrested for stealing dogs ….. FLORIDA
(https://bit.ly/2WsMREX)
A Palm Beach golfer was busted for disorderly conduct after relieving himself in a sand trap ….. FAKE NEWS
A wanted Florida man was found hiding inside a dishwasher in a South Carolina mobile home ….. FLORIDA
(https://on.wltx.com/2W4VhTC)
Police in Bradenton, Florida say someone donated a loaded grenade launcher to Goodwill ….. FLORIDA
(https://nyp.st/2E2ZnBX)
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BEST TWEETS
The Bookish Babe @_TheBookishOne…I have done some terrible things for money..........like getting up early to go to work.
Tony P. @Tbone7219…I cannot believe it's already whatever month of the year this is.
Bob Golen @BobGolen…Called the Tinnitus Hotline, but the phone just kept ringing and ringing and ringing.
Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes…We need adult waterparks. No kids, a floating bar in a lazy river circling the stage with live music and a taco truck.
Wilde Thingy @wildethingy…What does lest mean? I forget.
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THOUGHT OF THE DAY
My family is temperamental. Half temper, half mental.
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ON THIS DAY
MAY 13, 1607
English colonists led by John Smith make a second landing near James River in Virginia
MAY 13, 1767
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart's first opera “Apollo et Hyacinthus,” written when he was 11-years-old, premieres in Salzburg
MAY 13, 1787
Arthur Phillip sets sails with eleven ships of criminals to Botany Bay, Australia
MAY 13, 1890
Lord Salisbury offers Helgoland to Germany in exchange for Zanzibar, Uganda, & Equatoria
MAY 13, 1905
James J. Jeffries retires as boxing champion
MAY 13, 1913
The first four-engine aircraft is built and flown (Igor Sikorsky, Russia)
MAY 13, 1913
A Women's suffrage march through Washington is organized by Alice Paul and led by Inez Milholland
MAY 13, 1940
Winston Churchill says “I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears, and sweat” in his first speech as Prime Minister to British House of Commons
MAY 13, 1941
Martin Bormann is named head of Nazi Chancellery in Germany
MAY 13, 1947
U.S. Senate approved the Taft-Hartley Act limiting the power of unions
MAY 13, 1953
New York Giants Willie Mays & Darryl Spencer each hit two home-runs & a triple
MAY 13, 1955
Mickey Mantle hits three consecutive home-runs of at least 463'
MAY 13, 1958
The motorcade carrying U.S. Vice President Richard Nixon is attacked in Caracas, Venezuela; several of Nixon's staff are injured
MAY 13, 1958
Stan Musial is the eighth player to get 3,000 hits
MAY 13, 1958
The trade mark “Velcro” is registered
MAY 13, 1966
The Rolling Stones release “Paint it Black” in the UK
MAY 13, 1968
1,000,000 French citizens demonstrate against Charles de Gaulle & Georges Pompidou
MAY 13, 1973
Tennis player Bobby Riggs beats Margaret Smith Court in Mother's Day match in California
MAY 13, 1977
Howard Stern begins broadcasting at WRNW, Briarcliff Manor, New York
MAY 13, 1981
Pope John Paul II is shot and critically wounded by Turkish gunman Mehemet Ali Agca in St Peter's Square, Vatican City
MAY 13, 1983
Reggie Jackson is the first major leaguer to strike out 2,000 times
MAY 13, 1989
Minnesota Twin Kirby Puckett becomes the 35th player to hit four doubles in a game
MAY 13, 1991
“Michael Jackson: Magic & Madness” goes on sale
MAY 13, 1993
Kansas City Royal George Brett hits his 300th home-run
MAY 13, 1996
O.J. Simpson appears on British TV discussing his not guilty verdict
MAY 13, 1997
Eddie Murray is the sixth baseball player to play in 3,000 games
MAY 13, 2007
PGA Players Championship, TPC at Sawgrass: American Phil Mickelson wins by two strokes ahead of runner-up Sergio García of Spain; the event is played in May for the first time
MAY 13, 2013
Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield departs the International Space Station to return to Earth
MAY 13, 2018
China's first domestically built aircraft carrier begins sea trials in Dalian, China
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BIRTHDAYS
MAY 13
Debby Ryan, actress (32)
Morgan Wallen, country singer (32)
Lena Dunham, Girls creator/actress (39)
Robert Pattinson, actor (39)
Pusha T, rapper (48)
Samantha Morton, actress (48)
Buckethead, guitarist (56)
Tish Cyrus, Miley's mom (58)
Darius Rucker, singer (59)
Stephen Colbert, talk show host (61)
Dennis Rodman, NBA personality (64)
Stevie Wonder, musician (75)
Harvey Keitel, actor (86)
MAY 14
Miranda Cosgrove, iCarly actress (32)
Amber Portwood, Teen Mom star (35)
Rob Gronkowski, NFL player (36)
Dustin Lynch, country singer (40)
Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook founder (41)
Amber Tamblyn, actress (42)
Dan Auerbach, Black Keys frontman (46)
Sofia Coppola, director (54)
Cate Blanchett, actress (56)
Danny Wood, New Kid on the Block (56)
C.C. DeVille, Poison guitarist (63)
Ian Astbury, The Cult singer (63)
Tim Roth, actor (64)
David Byrne, Talking Heads musician (73)
Robert Zemeckis, Back to the Future director (73)
George Lucas, Star Wars creator (81)