Mr. Laughs Prep 06/02/2025
FEATURED BIT: THEN & NOW: GENDER REVEALS
…The surprises used to be more sudden
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DAILY HOLIDAYS
- American Indian Citizenship Day
- I Love My Dentist Day
- National "Thank God It's Monday" Day
- National Bubba Day
- National Leave the Office Early Day
- National Rocky Road Day
- National Rotisserie Chicken DayO
- Shavuot
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ONE-LINERS
== TOP O THE NEWS ==
#
Over the weekend, a Ukraine drone attack destroyed more than 40 Russian military aircraft deep inside Russia. Vladimir Putin said he hasn’t seen devastation like that since he saw the Knicks’ lose Game 6 to the Pacers.
Russian president Vladimir Putin is so panicked, he spent the last 24 hours trying to hire The Expendables.
(https://tinyurl.com/3re7dd8c)
#
Smoke from wildfires in Canada is causing air quality concerns in several U.S. states. The air is so bad in Wisconsin, a guy took a breath and knocked out a filling.
According to air quality readings, the smoke is most hazardous across the Plains and the Upper Midwest.
It’s so bad in Minnesota, residents say they feel like they’re living L.A.
(https://tinyurl.com/kj87u6s5)
== POLLS, STUDIES, AND SURVEYS ==
#
According to a new poll, 57% of Americans favor military action to prevent Iran from obtaining nuclear weapons. The OTHER 43% of Americans favor military action to prevent another Fast & Furious movie.
I have to say, it’s kind of refreshing to see Americans agree on something besides their dislike for P. Diddy.
(https://tinyurl.com/ms23cuuj)
#
According to a new study, a U.S. couple ends their marriage every 42 seconds. And this is interesting: HALF of those marriages involve JLo.
This, of course, is fantastic news for divorce attorneys.
(https://tinyurl.com/yf33s9wj)
== AROUND THE NATION ==
# McDonald’s is closing down CosMc’s, a new restaurant format it began testing in the U.S. last year. Talk about daring: It was the first McDonald’s restaurant to experiment with clean restrooms.
Evidently, customers described the new restaurant as totally off brand because they were served food that was actually WARM.
(https://tinyurl.com/bdh57wbr)
#
A California dad opened fire on some high school kids after they egged his home. You can tell it happened in California all right . . . the kids threw were throwing CAGE-FREE eggs.
By shooting like that, he’s facing two counts of impersonating a CHICAGO dad.
(https://tinyurl.com/emycd8z5)
== AROUND THE GLOBE ==
#
A British Airways flight attendant was found naked and dancing in the bathroom mid-flight. Not surprisingly, his fellow flight attendants described him as being in the upright and locked position.
Passengers knew something was up when the captain illuminated the “Holy Crap” sign.
(https://tinyurl.com/3ajmt9xp)
== SHOW BIZ BUZZ ==
#
“Stranger Things” Season 5 is set to premiere on Netflix in November. In this next and final season, the kids face their biggest challenge yet: Finding anyone who can remember what the hell happened in Season 4.
I don’t want to say the kids are getting older, but they spend the first two episodes playing Bingo.
(https://tinyurl.com/4zc2kdh4)
== CELEBRITY DRIVEL ==
#
Later tonight, Tom Llamas will officially replace Lester Holt as the permanent anchor of NBC Nightly News. I think I speak for millions of TV viewers when I say, “Who . .. ?”
This, of course, is big news for the 12 people who still get their news from watching TV.
(https://tinyurl.com/mrxnbsnh)
#
Hollywood heartthrob Sydney Sweeney is now selling bars of soap infused with her own bath water. Kid Rock is so excited, he’s actually talking about bathing.
I think I speak for millions of Americans when I say, “Ewww, gross . . . “
(https://tinyurl.com/nhjf73uy)
== SPORTS SPURTS ==
#
Over the weekend, the Indiana Pacers advanced to the NBA finals after beating the New York Knicks in Game 6. In their own defense, the Knicks said, “Hey, we PLANNED on winning, but c’mon, we’re the Knicks.”
It’s not like anyone’s surprised. Even the Knicks were betting against the Knicks.
(https://tinyurl.com/mpa6fxcs)
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GENIUS AWARDS
AND TODAY’S GENIUS AWARD GOES TO……
HOUSTON, TX: Anthony Battle and Alicia Buchanan were brought before a judge on theft charges and during the court hearing, it was revealed that the two broke into a police officer’s vehicle and stole a backpack with $2,500 inside.
The judge also learned that both suspects have criminal records and have been involved in theft-related incidents in the past.
They are both behind bars currently. Battle’s bond has been set at $20,000, and Buchanan’s bond has been set at $7,500.
The cops were reportedly relieved that they only lost some cash and not their beloved Dunkin’ Rewards cards.
Everyone knows cop cars contain valuable evidence like this. If you want to ward off criminals, just hid your stuff in a Cybertruck. It’s too ugly for anyone to want to go near.
(https://shorturl.at/mfQ6y)
AND THEN THERE’S……
Phoenix, AZ - Four men in Arizona were recently arrested for stealing cargo from semi-truck trailers. They could be connected to a much larger theft ring. A gold semi-truck and distinctive shoes helped them stand out to police officers.
Police officers noticed a gold semi-truck that he recognized from a previous theft. It was sitting at the Truck Park on Broadway Road near 32nd Avenue in Phoenix, Arizona.
They watched the gold truck, a red semi-truck, and a Land Rover leave from the truck yard. Employees confirmed that they didn’t have any scheduled deliveries, so the activity was suspicious.
Officers stopped the gold truck on Interstate 10 and found a fake license plate inside. The red truck was stopped at the Circle K gas station near 35th Avenue with a crowbar inside. Then the Land Rover had the ID of the driver in the red semi.
The Gold truck had $50k worth of stolen Red Bull inside. Also, the red tractor-trailer was hauling $50k worth of Rockstar energy drinks.
Previously, the men were seen in surveillance videos wearing the same distinctive shoes as they stole trailers loaded with $3 million worth of TVs.
Red Bull gives you… handcuffs.
$3M in energy drinks and that’s still nowhere near the level of buzzed Elon Musk is on any given day.
(https://shorturl.at/SWtOV)
OR HOW ABOUT……
BAINBRIDGE TOWNSHIP, OHIO: Police charged a 33-year-old Cleveland man with theft and using criminal tools following a 5 p.m. May 17 incident at Dick’s Sporting Goods. Store employees heard sounds of tags being removed in a dressing room and called police.
Employees suspected the subject concealed clothing items under his clothes and left in a Cadillac car. The responding officer found the vehicle parked at another store, Dick’s Warehouse. In the back seat were loose clothing items with Dick’s tags and a passenger who said the driver was in the outlet store. When the suspect returned, he was found wearing two pair of stolen pants under his and other merchandise stolen from the second store valued at $245.
The value of items taken from Dick’s Sporting Goods was $500.
It’s called FASHION, sweetie. Look it up.
You might say he had two extra Dick’s under his pants.
(https://shorturl.at/czJdx)
OKAY, ONE MORE……
PARKERSBURG, WV: A Parkersburg woman is facing multiple charges after a loud and disruptive outburst in her neighborhood on Sunday, May 25, 2025, prompted a police response.
Patrolman D.M. Worstell of the Parkersburg Police Department was dispatched to 904 Virginia Avenue following reports of a disorderly subject. Before even arriving on scene, Worstell could hear yelling and screaming coming from nearby Williams Street.
The suspect, later identified as Tyanna Martin, was spotted walking toward the patrol vehicle while holding an open can of Twisted Tea, an alcoholic beverage. Officers noted a strong odor of alcohol and observed Martin yelling profanities at her neighbors, including shouting, “F— all of you!”
Despite being told to stop her disruptive behavior, Martin continued to scream and curse. When Patrolman Worstell attempted to place her in handcuffs, Martin repeatedly pulled away and tried to walk off the sidewalk toward her residence. She also threatened to run away, further resisting arrest.
Twisted Tea… truth in advertising.
She should hook up with the guys who stole $3M of energy drinks for a celebratory toast.
(https://tinyurl.com/989b7nar)
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BENCHMARK GAMES
== STRIP CLUB OR DAYCARE ==
I’m going to read you the name of a business and I want you to tell me if it’s a STRIP CLUB or a DAYCARE.
Hollywood Quarters in Union, New Jersey ….. DAYCARE
Champions in Montclair, New Jersey ..... DAYCARE
All-Stars in San Antonio, Texas ….. STRIP CLUB
Big Momma's in Newark, New Jersey ..... DAYCARE
Sugar’s in San Antonio, Texas ….. STRIP CLUB
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BEST TWEETS
alfie @alfienxo… alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you're not going to like the performance
trash jones @jzux… hey hater university just called. congrats valedictorian
mau @rllydu… I love when dudes are named Guy. like, yeah. exactly.
LB @lnbshr,,, Trader joe’s gets on my nerves bc why can’t I find sesame seeds or shallots but u wanna sell Blood orange kimchi lavender granola bars like Okay.
m @spelunky_… drinks that are 0 calories:
- a drink a man bought for you
- beer at a baseball game
- frozen drinks on vacation
- any drink you got from a swim up bar
- a shot you were dared to do
- margaritas while gossiping
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THOUGHT OF THE DAY
Babies probably recognize most places from just their ceilings.
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ON THIS DAY
JUN 2, 1774
Intolerable Acts: Amendment to the original Quartering Act is enacted; it allows governors in colonial America to house British soldiers in uninhabited houses, outhouses, barns, or other buildings if suitable quarters were not provided
JUN 2, 1835
P. T. Barnum & his circus begin their first tour of the U.S.
JUN 2, 1862
Robert E. Lee takes command of the Confederate armies of North Virginia during the American Civil War
JUN 2, 1863
Harriet Tubman leads Union guerrillas into Maryland, freeing slaves
JUN 2, 1875
Alexander Graham Bell makes the first sound transmission
JUN 2, 1896
Inventor Guglielmo Marconi applies to patent the radio; eventually accepted on July 2nd, 1897
JUN 2, 1913
The first strike settlement mediated by the U.S. Department of Labor - railroad clerks
JUN 2, 1917
Canadian ace Billy Bishop undertakes a solo mission behind enemy lines, shooting down three aircrafts as they were about to take off and several more on the ground, for which he is awarded the Victoria Cross
JUN 2, 1924
President Calvin Coolidge signs the Indian Citizenship Act, declaring all Native Americans to be American citizens
JUN 2, 1925
New York Yankee Lou Gehrig begins his 2,130 consecutive game streak
JUN 2, 1928
Kraft, building on the original 1918 design, rolls out Velveeta cheese
JUN 2, 1933
FDR authorizes the first swimming pool built inside the White House
JUN 2, 1935
Babe Ruth, now 40-years-old, announces his retirement as a player
JUN 2, 1942
Red Sox star Ted Williams enlists as a U.S. Navy Aviator
JUN 2, 1944
Generals Dwight D. Eisenhower and Bernard Montgomery dine in Portsmouth, England
JUN 2, 1953
The coronation of Queen Elizabeth II in Westminster Abbey, London, England
JUN 2, 1957
U.S. TV interviews Nikita Khrushchev
JUN 2, 1958
Yankees pitcher Whitey Ford fans six in a row to tie an A.L. record
JUN 2, 1959
Allen Ginsberg writes his poem “Lysergic Acid,” San Francisco
JUN 2, 1962
Ray Charles' cover “I Just Can't Stop Loving You” from his influential crossover album “Modern Sounds in Country and Western Music” hits #1 on Billboard
JUN 2, 1977
New Jersey allows casino gambling in Atlantic City
JUN 2, 1979
John Paul II becomes the first pope to visit a Communist country (Poland)
JUN 2, 1979
Los Angeles Mayor Tom Bradley signs the first homosexual rights bill
JUN 2, 1981
Barbara Walters famously asks Katharine Hepburn, “If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?”
JUN 2, 1989
“Dead Poets Society,” the hit film starring Robin Williams, premieres
JUN 2, 1989
10,000 Chinese soldiers are blocked by 100,000 citizens in Tiananmen Square, Beijing, protecting students demonstrating for democracy
JUN 2, 1994
Indonesian censors ban Steven Spielberg's “Schindler's List”
JUN 2, 1997
Timothy McVeigh is found guilty of the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing that killed 168
JUN 2, 2002
The crime drama “The Wire,” created by David Simon and starring Idris Elba and Dominic West, debuts on HBO
JUN 2, 2004
Ken Jennings begins his 74-game winning streak on the syndicated game show Jeopardy!
JUN 2, 2017
“Wonder Woman,” directed by Patty Jenkins, is released; earns over $100 million in North America in its opening weekend - domestic record for a female director
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BIRTHDAYS
Awkwafina, actress (37)
Abby Wambach, soccer player (45)
Morena Baccarin, actress (46)
Justin Long, actor (47)
Dominic Cooper, actor (47)
Zachary Quinto, actor (48)
Wayne Brady, actor (53)
Wentworth Miller, actor (53)
Andy Cohen, TV host (57)
Dana Carvey, comedian (70)
Jerry Mathers, Leave It to Beaver star (77)
Stacy Keach, actor (84)
Charlie Watts, Rolling Stones drummer (1941 - 2021)
JUNE 3
Louis Partridge, actor (22)
Beabadoobee, singer (25)
Rafael Nadal, tennis player (39)
John Hodgman, comedian/author (54)
Anderson Cooper, TV personality (58)
Jill Biden, former FLOTUS (74)
Deneice Williams, "Let's Hear It for the Boy" singer (75)
Ian Hunter, Mott the Hoople singer (88)