Mr. Laughs Prep 07/11/2025

- FEATURED BIT: “VEGETABLE DERBY”
 
What's the best on the grill this summer?
 
(https://tinyurl.com/yc62t6s2)
 
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DAILY HOLIDAYS
 
- All American Pet Photo Day
 
- Bowdler’s Day
 
- Collector Car Appreciation Day
 
- Free Slurpee Day
 
- International Essential Oils Day
 
- National Blueberry Muffin Day
 
- National Cheer Up the Lonely Day
 
- National Mojito Day
 
- National Rainier Cherries Day
 
- National Swimming Pool Day
 
- World Kebab Day
 
- World Population Day
 
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ONE-LINERS
 
== TOP O THE NEWS ==


#
Representative Jasmine Crockett said she had zero concerns about former President Biden’s mental acuity while he was in the White House. But take this with a grain of salt because it’s coming from someone who also doesn’t have a fully functioning brain.
 
There was definitely nothing wrong with Joe. After all, he was clearly able to turn his body, raise his arm, and shake hands with invisible people.
 
(https://tinyurl.com/29zbtpky)
 
#
Mortgage rates ticked higher for the first time in weeks, mortgage buyer Freddie Mac said Thursday. Jeez, if these were any higher, they’d be hanging out with Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg.
 
(https://tinyurl.com/832a6dp6)
 
 
== POLLS, STUDIES, AND SURVEYS ==


#
Researchers have discovered that psilocybin, the active ingredient in magic mushrooms, extends cellular lifespan and improves survival rates in aging mice. And it also causes the mice to listen to multiple Phish records on repeat.
 
Psilocybin could be the magical ingredient for a longer life. As long as you’re okay with wearing tie-dyed shirts forever.
 
(https://tinyurl.com/ym43emdv)
 
#
A new study finds that mind wandering can be good for your memory. Which means that Former President Biden must have an absolutely impeccable memory!
 
(https://tinyurl.com/yrsufedu)
 
 
== AROUND THE NATION ==
 
#
The Maine State Police said troopers put their cowboy skills to the test when a loose horse was found wandering on the interstate. Like most people up there, the horse was just doing whatever it could to get the hell out of Maine.
 
It was nice of them to rescue the horse. Especially when you remember that these days most people don’t care about horses unless they’re gambling on them.
 
(https://tinyurl.com/3swfczx8)
 
#
A former California cop who allegedly collected $600,000 on full disability leave while taking luxury vacations to Disneyland and music festivals must pay back the entirety of the funds she ripped off. This is just embarrassing – yeah, not only is she a crook but she’s also a Disney adult.
 
She even went to music festivals. So, the thievery makes sense because party drugs are expensive!
 
(https://tinyurl.com/4htaw4wj)
 
 
== AROUND THE GLOBE ==
 
#
A 62-year-old man in France put police on high alert after calling emergency services to report that he had forgotten his wife at a highway gas station and couldn’t remember which one. They stopped to use the outhouse, but now this guy’s in the doghouse.
 
This man made a huge mistake. On par with people who purchase gas station hot dogs.
 
This really stinks. And besides their French armpits, getting separated isn’t good either.
 
(https://tinyurl.com/327933jm)
 
 
== SHOW BIZ BUZZ ==



#
“Superman” hits theaters today (Friday). But if you miss this one, don’t worry – I’m sure they’ll reboot the whole franchise again in a year or two.
 
Superman is known as “The Man of Steel.” He’s someone Bill Clinton’s always related to because Bill’s also rock hard!
 
(https://tinyurl.com/2ktrpmv7)
 
#
The “I Know What You Did Last Summer” remake is coming out next week. But everyone already knows what EVERYBODY did last summer because it’s all posted on Instagram, Facebook, and X (Twitter).
 
(https://tinyurl.com/yc6ppkzj)
 
 
== CELEBRITY DRIVEL ==
 
#
Hugh Grant was snapped dozing off in Queen Camilla’s Royal Box during a match between Novak Djokovic and Flavio Cobolli. Embarrassing? Sure, but if anyone can handle the shame, it’s the guy who once got caught with a hooker!
 
Falling asleep in the middle of something? Sounds like all of us during any movie Hugh’s made in the last ten years.
 
(https://tinyurl.com/4hx99brw)
 
#
Kourtney Kardashian was pictured eating ice cream in Italy. Meanwhile, her sisters were back in America putting SOMETHIN’ ELSE in their mouths!
 
(https://tinyurl.com/tzatexuh)
 
 
== SPORTS SPURTS ==
 
#
Golfer Harris English’s caddy will not be able to accompany him to Northern Ireland for The Open Championship due to a 30-year-old cocaine charge. Which begs the question – when the heck did Hunter Biden become a caddy?!
 
The caddy is currently stuck in the U.S. after being unable to obtain a new Electronic Travel Authority (ETA) visa for travel to the U.K. He won’t be able to read the golfer’s putting lines, but at least he can stay home and snort cocaine lines!
 
(https://tinyurl.com/yc585ukt)
 
#
NBA superstar Giannis Antetokounmpo says he will “probably” stay with the Bucks. The people of Milwaukee would drink to celebrate, but if we’re being honest, they’ve ALREADY been drinking…
 
(https://tinyurl.com/3ehyk69h)
 
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GENIUS AWARDS
 
AND TODAY’S GENIUS AWARD GOES TO……
 
PORT ST. LUCIE, FLORIDA - A Florida woman has been arrested after police say she was running a med spa in a shed in her Port St. Lucie backyard. In May 2025, a woman went to the Port St. Lucie Police Department claiming she believed she was a victim of an unlicensed medical professional who was operating an illegal med spa out of a shed. The victim told police she experienced facial paralysis after getting an injection in Rosa Mena’s makeshift med spa.
 
After Mena was confronted about the injuries, police say she refunded the $325 because the paralysis persisted. Mena asked the victim to return so she could inject her again, but this time with vitamins to "reverse" the effects. Since she was still experiencing paralysis, the victim said she asked to see Mena’s medical license and supporting certificates. However, according to PSLPD, Mena gave her a censored/altered certificate of phlebotomy.
 
The victim said she contacted the issuing agency and learned that it had expired in February 2024. Police say Mena also told the victim she was a doctor in the Dominican Republic. While executing a search warrant, detectives found evidence to support the victim’s claims. Mena now faces multiple charges.
 
    You wanna say this lady deserves getting arrest. But honestly, if you’re dumb enough to visit a med spa located in a SHED, you KINDA deserve whatever’s coming to you…
 
    This physician is a complete quack. Even worse than the type you get linked up with when you use Obamacare!
 
(https://tinyurl.com/48adsvb6)
 
AND THEN THERE’S……
 
HOPKINSVILLE, KENTUCKY - A man has been arrested after causing disturbance overnight in a Hopkinsville neighborhood while not wearing any clothes. An arrest report from the Hopkinsville Police Department says officers responded to a disturbance around 3:00 a.m. on July 8th. Officers were advised that a naked male was banging on the door of a residence. The suspect, 33-year-old Christopher Price, was located with his genitals exposed, wearing only socks on his feet. 
 
According to HPD, the suspect was yelling, causing annoyance and alarm to nearby residents. At the time, the suspect told officers that there were snakes on him, also disclosing that he had just left rehab. He was suspected of being under the influence of drugs. Price is facing three charges including public intoxication of a controlled substance, disorderly conduct, and indecent exposure.
 
    The thought of someone banging on my door at 3:00 a.m. gives me the willies. And this dude was naked – so emphasis on WILLY.
 
     Many neighborhoods have woodpeckers making loud noise. But in this place, it was just a regular PECKER!
 
(https://tinyurl.com/2pnbcu3p)
 
OR HOW ABOUT……
 
UNIVERSITY PLACE, WASHINGTON - A call for a suspicious person loitering outside an abandoned bank led to a foot chase with police and ended in the arrest of that person-- who allegedly had an explosive and drugs on him. The Pierce County Sheriff’s Office said the call went out on July 1 around 5 p.m. in University Place. Deputies saw a 42-year-old man lingering in an area that was marked “no trespassing.”
 
They learned the man had a warrant out of Fircrest and when they made contact with him, he ran off, leading deputies on a brief chase before he tripped and was put in handcuffs. On body cam video, while deputies were telling the suspect he was under arrest, he repeatedly said, “No, I’m not.” Deputies said the man had drugs in his hand when he was cuffed and allegedly had a stolen gun on him. When deputies searched his backpack, they found an explosive device that looked like a firecracker.
 
“It is very important for the public to understand that items like M-80s, sparkler bombs, and tennis ball bombs are considered explosives under the law and not fireworks,” the Pierce County Sheriff’s Office wrote on Facebook. The original M-80 was a pyrotechnic simulator used for military training decades ago, according to the sheriff’s office. The one found in the man’s backpack had about three grams of explosive powder, which is over the legal limit and is thus defined as an explosive, not a firework, under both state and federal law.
 
    When cops said he was under arrest he responded with “No, I’m not.” Imagine if it were that easy?
 
    He had an explosive AND drugs on him. Say what you will but this dude clearly knows how to party!
 
(https://tinyurl.com/uc7e3jy3)
 
OKAY, ONE MORE……
 
ATLANTA, GEORGIA - Fire stations at Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport were placed briefly on lockdown Wednesday after a report of a suspicious person, Atlanta police said. The man even got onto the airfield, an airport representative said.
 
Officers went to the Leslie Drive and North Loop Road area on a report of a suspicious man. A preliminary report said he damaged a fence near that location. Officers placed the man into custody without incident. He hasn’t been identified. APD said officers are currently investigating the circumstances surrounding this situation.
 
    Sounds like this man had a death wish. But I guess if that were really the case, he would’ve boarded a Boeing aircraft.
 
    This had to be the scariest thing to happen at the airport. Just behind that one air traveler who thought it was a good idea to have Taco Bell before boarding.
 
(https://tinyurl.com/457nf4e4)
 
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BENCHMARK GAMES
 
== PORN STAR OR WEATHERMAN ==
 
I’m going to read you the name of a showbiz personality and I want you to tell me if the person is a PORN STAR or a WEATHERMAN
 
Clayton Brough ….. WEATHERMAN in Salt Lake City, Utah
 
Lee Ringer ….. WEATHERMAN in Raleigh, North Carolina
 
Josh Judge ….. WEATHERMAN in Manchester, New Hampshire
 
Dylan Vox ….. PORN STAR
 
Billy Brandt ….. PORN STAR
 
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BEST TWEETS
 
Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes…I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It's shift work.
 
Funny Dad Jokes @FunnyDadJokess…People think running a solar farm is lots of work. Fortunately, my sun helps me.
 
PUNS @ThePunnyWorld…My roommates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
 
Dad Jokes! @dadgivesjokes…Ursa Minor is such an underwhelming constellation. It's just the bear minimum.
 
LaughBreak: Dad Jokes ‘N More @MediocreJoker85…Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I'm seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week.
 
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THOUGHT OF THE DAY
 
Sometimes I listen to a person talk and think to myself, “Who ties your shoelaces for you?”
 
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ON THIS DAY
 
JUL 11, 1804
Vice President of the United States Aaron Burr mortally wounds former Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton in a pistol duel
 
JUL 11, 1811
Italian scientist Amedeo Avogadro publishes his memoir on the molecular content of gases
 
JUL 11, 1818
English poet John Keats writes “In the Cottage Where Burns is Born,” “Lines Written in the Highlands,” and “Gadfly”
 
JUL 11, 1892
U.S. Patent Office says Joseph Swan, rather than Thomas Edison, invented the electric light carbon for the incandescent lamp
 
JUL 11, 1900
Charlotte Cooper beats Hélène Prévost to become the first female Olympic tennis champion and the first individual female Olympic champion in any sport
 
JUL 11, 1905
Black intellectuals and activists lead by W.E.B. Du Bois organize the civil rights Niagara Movement
 
JUL 11, 1914
Babe Ruth debuts as a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox and he beats Cleveland 4-3
 
JUL 11, 1934
FDR became the first U.S. President to travel through the Panama Canal
 
JUL 11, 1943
Counter attack by Nazi Politician Hermann Goering's Armored division in Sicily
 
JUL 11, 1950
The seventeenth All-Star Baseball Game: NL wins 4-3 in 14 at Comiskey Park; the first extra inning All-Star Game
 
JUL 11, 1952
General Eisenhower is nominated as the Republican U.S. presidential candidate
 
JUL 11, 1960
“To Kill a Mockingbird,” by Harper Lee, is first published by J. B. Lippincott & Co.
 
JUL 11, 1965
Israeli Mapai-party nominates David Ben-Gurion
 
JUL 11, 1969
David Bowie releases the single “Space Oddity” nine days before Apollo 11 lands on the moon
 
JUL 11, 1977
The U.S. Medal of Freedom is awarded posthumously to Reverend Martin Luther King Jr.
 
JUL 11, 1985
Astros' Nolan Ryan becomes the first pitcher to strike out 4,000 batters (Mets' Danny Heep)
 
JUL 11, 1988
Mike Tyson hires Donald Trump as an advisor
 
JUL 11, 1995
Shaggy releases his third studio album “Bombastic” (Grammy Award Best Reggae Album)
 
JUL 11, 2007
“Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix,” the fifth film based on the books by J. K. Rowling, is released
 
JUL 11, 2012
20th ESPY Awards: LeBron James, Brittney Griner win
 
JUL 11, 2013
“Orange Is the New Black” premieres on Netflix starring Taylor Schilling; the first series to be nominated for comedy and drama Emmy awards
 
JUL 11, 2015
Mexican drug lord Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán escapes from Altiplano maximum-security prison west of Mexico City via a specially constructed 1.5 km tunnel from his cell to a nearby house
 
JUL 11, 2015
Wimbledon Women's Tennis: Serena Williams becomes the oldest winner in the Open era (33) beating Garbiñe Muguruza 6-4, 6-4
 
JUL 11, 2021 
Billionaire Richard Branson flies to the edge of space on his Virgin Galactic rocket plane in a space tourism test
 
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BIRTHDAYS
 
JULY 11
 
Alessia Cara, singer (29)
 
Nadya Suleman, Octomom (50)
 
Lil Kim, rapper (51)
 
Lisa Rinna, actress (62)
 
Suzanne Vega, singer (66)
 
Richie Sambora, Bon Jovi guitarist (66)
 
Sela Ward, actress (69)
 
Giorgio Armani, fashion designer (91)
 
JULY 14
 
Conor McGregor, MMA fighter (37)
 
Dan Reynolds, Imagine Dragons singer (38)
 
Peta Murgatroyd, DWTS dancer (39)
 
Phoebe Waller-Bridge, actor/writer (40)
 
Jamey Johnson, country singer (50)
 
Loni Love, comedian (54)
 
Matthew Fox, actor (59)
 
Jane Lynch, actress (65)