Mr. Laughs Prep 08/22/2025
Mr. Laughs Prep
FRIDAY, AUGUST 22, 2025
- FEATURED BIT: "GET DRINKING, AMERICA!" (Original Bit) (0:58)
A recent Gallup Poll shows that Americans’ taste for booze has hit an 86-year low. One thing is clear. We need to get Americans drinking booze again.
https://tinyurl.com/5esps3f2
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DAILY HOLIDAYS
- Be an Angel Day
- National Bao Day
- National Eat a Peach Day
- National Pecan Torte Day
- National Tooth Fairy Day
- Never Bean Better Day
- Southern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day
- Take Your Cat to the Vet Day
- World Plant Milk Day
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ONE-LINERS
== TOP O THE NEWS ==
#
A Texas company is building drones meant to be stored in schools and deployed to stop shootings in under a minute. Can we just cut to the chase and get a RoboCop in every school?
It’s only a matter of time before drones are chasing down students demanding in a robot voice “DO YOU HAVE A HALL PASS?”
(https://tinyurl.com/2bmf5kjt)
#
A new class action lawsuit against United and Delta Airlines claims the airlines sold window seats without windows. Some people love to have the window seat. I’ve never heard anyone get excited over a wall seat.
I don’t care if the window is there or not, as long as all the windows – and doors – stay closed during the flight.
(https://tinyurl.com/ycybwmu9)
#
Judge Frank Caprio, who rose to fame on social media for his compassion and folksy humor in the courtroom, has passed away at 88. Rest in peace to the Mr. Rogers of the judicial system!
(https://tinyurl.com/8mc7cf7v)
== POLLS, STUDIES, AND SURVEYS ==
#
A new study shows that while getting ghosted and being rejected both hurt, the negative effects of ghosting were often longer lasting. I’ll say this from experience: if you think you’re getting ghosted, do not text them 600 times. It will not help.
I wish people would just get comfortable with rejection. I don’t know why we have to bring the occult into this.
(https://tinyurl.com/2p738xwf)
== AROUND THE NATION ==
#
President Trump says he’ll not only deploy federal troops to DC, but that he will patrol the streets himself with police and the military. I cannot WAIT to see the picture of President Trump in riot gear.
One day at Alligator Alcatraz, some kid is going to be like “No, I swear! I got picked up by Donald Trump himself!” and no one’s gonna believe him.
(https://tinyurl.com/3pej2ww2)
== AROUND THE GLOBE ==
#
Offshore bookmakers are accommodating bets for the Little League World Series. So if you have any inside info – like maybe Timmy at second base has a tummy ache – it might be a good time to put some money down.
I’m already in for six bags of Sour Patch Kids and a case of Yoo-Hoo. If I can’t cover, they’ll pull my sugar tooth!
(https://tinyurl.com/2423n72d)
== SHOW BIZ BUZZ ==
#
Netflix is launching an astrology hub, where movies and shows will be suggested based on your zodiac sign. Now when you boot up Netflix it just hits on you – “What’s your name? What’s your sign? Log in often?”
Finally, a streaming service for the annoying white woman in your life.
This might be the Aries in me, but that sounds dumb.
(https://tinyurl.com/34cm447p)
== CELEBRITY DRIVEL ==
#
Kevin Bacon gifted his wife two mini cows named Tater and Tot for her birthday. I know the first thing my lady would say – “Okay but…Who’s going to wake up at six every morning and milk them?”
Seems like more of a dowry than a birthday gift, but maybe I’m out of touch.
(https://tinyurl.com/ytvzmzwt)
#
Lil Nas X has been hospitalized for a possible OD after being found walking the streets of LA in only his tighty whiteys and cowboy boots. You do that in New York City and people just think you’re the naked cowboy.
Apparently he lost his horse and couldn’t find his way back to Old Town Road.
(https://tinyurl.com/4ba2ns5a)
== SPORTS SPURTS ==
#
San Francisco Giants outfielder Jung Hoo Lee made an incredible catch against the Tampa Bay Rays that saw the ball roll out of his glove before he caught it between his knees. If that doesn’t make you gung ho for Jung Hoo I don’t know what will.
(https://tinyurl.com/mw87wfea)
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GENIUS AWARDS
AND TODAY’S GENIUS AWARD GOES TO……
MILWAUKEE, WI - A Milwaukee woman faces a felony charge after allegedly causing about $10,000 in damage to DoorDash driver Faith Morris’ car over a failed chicken wings order.
On July 11, Morris’ phone service was cut off due to an overdue bill, preventing delivery completion. Morris told Fox 6 Milwaukee, "Within five minutes, T-Mobile shuts my phone off. I’m shocked." After returning home, the customer, identified as 22-year-old Janiyah Jones, accused Morris of stealing food and called her repeatedly for an hour.
Police say Jones threw a brick and struck Morris' vehicle with a tire iron, breaking windows. Morris has been unable to work since.
"She did this over a ten-piece chicken wing! She passed [Fryerz] to come here," Morris told TMJ4 News on Aug. 5.
DoorDash banned Jones and stated, “This customer’s actions are completely uncalled for, unacceptable, and disturbing.” They also confirmed worker addresses are never shared with customers.
Your Honor, my client would like to enter a plea of "Hangry."
That's $1000 of damage PER chicken wing!
Jones surely could have found a snack in the time it took to find the address and grab a brick and tire iron.
https://tinyurl.com/nz97cxnb
AND THEN THERE’S……
Two kids, ages 12 and 14, are charged with breaking into a business in Westmoreland County and stealing over $1,700 worth of vapes.
According to the Westmoreland County District Attorney's Office, Pennsylvania State Police troopers responded to the Choice Tobacco Outlet & Food Mart at the Sunoco gas station on Route 217 in Derry Township on Aug. 7.
Police said two juveniles threw a rock through the front door, shattering the glass. Once inside, police said the 12-year-old and 14-year-old removed Raz vapes and fled the store. Troopers estimate they stole about $1,750 worth of merchandise.
Both juveniles, whose names weren't released by authorities, are facing burglary and theft-related charges.
It's the latest time burglars have targeted a business selling vapes in the Pittsburgh area this summer.
Just some kids throwing rocks in the summer.
What happened to the days of a nice summer job, like running the concession stand at the pool?
You all shake your heads, but someday they'll own that gas station and you'll see their entrepreneurial spirit was well-intended.
https://tinyurl.com/bdtfuth9
OR HOW ABOUT……
Pinellas Park Police arrested 35-year-old Emely M. Martinez on Wednesday, August 20, 2025, after an investigation revealed she had been performing dental procedures without a license.
Detectives began investigating in June 2025 after several victims reported medical complications from dental work Martinez performed. Victims also stated she refused to repair the work or provide refunds.
The investigation determined Martinez had been advertising and operating a business at 9150 49th Street N in Pinellas Park.
Authorities said she claimed to provide licensed dentistry services, focusing on veneer implants. Records confirmed she does not hold a valid dental license in Florida, which also does not recognize “veneer techs” in the dental profession.
Martinez was taken into custody on the evening of August 20 without incident. The Florida Department of Health was notified of her arrest.
She faces the following charges:
Scheme to Defraud (less than $20,000)
Practicing Dentistry Without an Active License (two counts)
Misdemeanor Warrant for Failure to Appear
Misdemeanor Warrant for Violation of Probation
Unlawful Possession of Personal Identification of Another
Cited as a Habitual Traffic Offender
The case remains under investigation.
The worst offense is "Habitual Traffic Offender."
She does look like a dental assistant, at the very least. Get that license, Emely.
You know it's the no repairs or refunds that got her in trouble, otherwise her patients would have never ratted her out.
https://tinyurl.com/57s5y7hf
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BENCHMARK GAMES
== PORN STAR OR WEATHERMAN ==
I’m going to read you a list of show biz personalities and I want you to tell me if the
person is a PORN STAR or a WEATHERMAN
Marcus Bailey ?.. WEATHERMAN at WISH in Indianapolis, Indiana
Brian Pumper ?.. PORN STAR
R.J. Heim ?.. WEATHERMAN at NBC 10 in Rhode Island
Jamarlo Phillips ?.. WEATHERMAN at WEAR in Pensacola, Florida
Frank Major ?.. PORN STAR
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THOUGHT OF THE DAY
When nothing goes right … go left!
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ON THIS DAY
AUG 22, 1848
The United States annexes New Mexico
AUG 22, 1865
William Sheppard is issued the first U.S. patent for liquid soap
AUG 22, 1894
Mahatma Gandhi forms the Natal Indian Congress (NIC) in order to fight discrimination against Indian traders in Natal
AUG 22, 1901
The Cadillac Motor Company is founded
AUG 22, 1902
U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt became the first U.S. chief executive to ride in a car
AUG 22, 1914
WW1: Von Ludendorff and Paul von Hindenburg move into East Prussia en route to Russia
AUG 22, 1921
J. Edgar Hoover becomes Assistant Director of the FBI
AUG 22, 1927
Babe Ruth hits the 40th of his 60 homers
AUG 22, 1941
Nazi troops reach Lenningrad
AUG 22, 1942
Brazil declares war on Germany, Japan, & Italy
AUG 22, 1944
Adolf Hitler orders Paris to be destroyed
AUG 22, 1945
Vietnam conflict begins as Ho Chi Minh leads a successful coup
AUG 22, 1946
Baseball approves a 168-game schedule, but later rescinds it
AUG 22, 1951
Harlem Globetrotters play in Olympic Stadium, Berlin before 75,052
AUG 22, 1956
Elvis Presley begins filming “Love Me Tender” (The Reno Brothers)
AUG 22, 1956
U.S. President Eisenhower and VP Richard Nixon are re-nominated by the Republican convention in San Francisco
AUG 22, 1957
Floyd Patterson KOs Pete Rademacher in six rounds for the heavyweight boxing title
AUG 22, 1961
Roger Maris hits his 50th of 61 home-runs
AUG 22, 1969
The Beatles record a video for “Long & Winding Road”
AUG 22, 1979
200 black leaders meet in New York to support Andrew Young
AUG 22, 1984
The Republican convention in Dallas re-nominates President Ronald Reagan and Vice President George H. W. Bush
AUG 22, 1986
“Stand By Me,” a film based on the novella by Stephen King, directed by Rob Reiner and starring Wil Wheaten, River Phoenix, Corey Feldman, and Jerry O'Connell, is released
AUG 22, 1987
Madonna's “Who's That Girl” single goes #1
AUG 22, 1989
Nolan Ryan strikes out his 5,000th batter (Rickey Henderson)
AUG 22, 1994
DNA testing links O.J. Simpson to the murder of Nicole Simpson & Ron Goldman
AUG 22, 2004
“The Scream” (1910 painted version) and “Madonna,” two paintings by Edvard Munch, are stolen at gunpoint from the Munch Museum in Oslo, Norway
AUG 22, 2007
The Texas Rangers rout the Baltimore Orioles 30-3, the most runs scored by a team in modern MLB history
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BIRTHDAYS
AUGUST 22
Dua Lipa, singer (30)
James Corden, TV host (47)
Kristen Wiig, actress/comedian (52)
Howie Dorough, Backstreet Boy (52)
Giada de Laurentiis, TV chef (55)
Ty Burrell, actor (58)
Tori Amos, singer (62)
Layne Staley, Alice in Chains singer (1967 - 2002)
AUGUST 25
Blake Lively, actress (38)
Rachel Bilson, actress (44)
Kel Mitchell, actor (47)
Alexander Skarsgard, actor (49)
Claudia Schiffer, model (55)
Jo Dee Messina, singer (55)
Rachael Ray, TV personality (57)
Jeff Tweedy, Wilco musician (58)
Blair Underwood, actor (61)
Vivian Campbell, guitarist (61)
Billy Ray Cyrus, singer (64)
Tim Burton, director (67)
Elvis Costello, singer/songwriter (71)
Rob Halford, Judas Priest singer (74)
Gene Simmons, KISS rocker (76)
Rollie Fingers, baseball player (79)
Tom Skerritt, actor (92)
Sean Connery, actor (1930 - 2020)