Mr. Laughs Prep 06/22/2025
FEATURED BIT: “I'M SWEATY” (Song Parody)
… This heat is nothing to laugh about!
- - - - - - -
DAILY HOLIDAYS
- International Widows' Day
- Let It Go Day
- National Detroit-Style Pizza Day
- National Hydration Day
- National Pecan Sandies Day
- National Pink Day
- Pink Flamingo Day
- Runner's Selfie Day
- SAT Math Day
- Typewriter Day
- - - - - - -
ONE-LINERS
== TOP O THE NEWS ==
#
Over the weekend, President Trump launched strikes on three nuclear facilities in Iran. I gotta be honest: It’s kind of refreshing to see President Trump attack something besides CNN.
I haven’t checked the headlines lately, but maybe you can help me out: Are the democrats upset about this?
It’s pretty serious: If Iran responds by attacking US interests, President Trump is vowing to send in the Thunderbolts.
#
In response to this weekend’s attack, Iran plans to close the Strait of Hormuz, a vital shipping channel for 20% of the world’s oil. Not only that, they’re vowing to TRIPLE their chants of, “Death to America.”
Here’s what I’m thinkin’: It’s a good thing gas is so affordable, otherwise this could be trouble.
(https://shorturl.at/IbgNE)
== POLLS, STUDIES, AND SURVEYS ==
#
According to a new poll, 33% of Americans wake up already exhausted. And here’s why: Universal pictures is still planning an ELEVENTH Fast & Furious movie.
But this is interesting. The OTHER 67% of Americans wake up craving Chick-fil-A.
(https://shorturl.at/0ltGv)
#
When it comes to leading a meaningful life, a new study says feeling hopeful about the future matters more than being happy in the moment.
According to a new study, feeling hopeful about the future is the key to leading a meaningful life. This, of course, is terrible news if you play for the New York Mets.
In other words, you’re screwed if your name is P. Diddy.
(https://shorturl.at/mGurt)
== AROUND THE NATION ==
#
In New York City, Bill Clinton has endorsed Andrew Cuomo for mayor. And this is nice: If Cuomo gets the job, Bill has already offered to help interview interns.
Bill says Cuomo is a “competent leader.” Except, of course, when it comes to not killing senior citizens.
#
A heatwave is expected to roast NYC this week with temperatures up to 102 degrees. In fact, instead of Molotov cocktails, ICE protestors in New York City are already making plans to throw Snapple.
It’s already so bad, New Yorkers are actually HAPPY to get the finger . . . you know, for the shade.
Here’s how hot it is: They just closed the Statue of Liberty because she kept hiking up her robe.
(https://tinyurl.com/3b5hkcnc)
== AROUND THE GLOBE ==
#
On streets of Tehran, Iranian protesters are waving flags that say, “Down with the USA.” So, in other words, life in Iran is already back to normal.
Usually to see flags that say, “Down with the USA,” you have to go to San Francisco.
(https://tinyurl.com/yc2zk4t9)
== SHOW BIZ BUZZ ==
#
Disney’s animated adventure “Elio” bombed at the box office earning a dismal $21 million. It’s so bad, movie critics are already comparing it to “Snow White.”
I think I speak for millions of Americans when I say, “There’s a Disney animated adventure called Elio?”
(https://tinyurl.com/nhy5ucx5)
== CELEBRITY DRIVEL ==
#
Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez are expected to get married in Venice, Italy this week. Right now in fact, Jeff is applying the first few coats of Turtle Wax to his head.
And this is romantic. Jeff is vowing to write his own pre-nup.
(https://tinyurl.com/yruu8mzz)
#
Kanye West’s wife, Bianca Censori, was spotted in Brooklyn wearing an edible candy bra and matching bottoms. Remember the good old days? When KANYE was the crazy one?
That’s totally out of character . . . usually when you see Bianca Censori she’s totally naked.
(https://tinyurl.com/yh9znnsz)
== SPORTS SPURTS ==
#
Over the weekend basketball legend LeBron James admitted, quote, “I can’t play that much further.” In response, millions of basketball fans were like, “Promise?”
Maybe it’s me just me, but I think the only James people are hoping to see retire is Bronny.
(https://tinyurl.com/bdbtt3u5)
- - - - - - -
GENIUS AWARDS
AND TODAY’S GENIUS AWARD GOES TO……
England - A serial thief kicked and tried to bite a shop worker who tried to stop her stealing. Krystal Thompson was targeting her fifth shop in two months when an employee confronted her as she tried to make off with booze and meat.
A court heard that the 33-year-old immediately turned aggressive and shouted "You can have your f***** wine back" before trying to bite the victim on the wrist and repeatedly kicking her. Thompson, of Whitley Bay, has now been given one final chance to stay out of prison after she pleaded guilty to five shop thefts and one count of assault by beating.
Thompson was given a 24-month community order and must pay £100 compensation to the shop worker, as well as compensation for the goods she stole and a £114 victim surcharge.
The kicker? She didn’t actually give the f****** wine back!
I’ve heard wine flavor profiles describe “a bit of a bite” but this is taking it too far.
AND THEN THERE’S……
ST. MARY, MO: The mayor of a small town was arrested after police claimed he stole an expensive piece of machinery from a man who recently died.
According to a probable cause statement obtained by People, the mayor of St. Mary, Missouri, a man named Adam Bequette, was arrested and charged with tampering with a motor vehicle and stealing after an alleged incident in which he stole a skid steer from a man who had recently passed away.
The skid steer's owner reportedly died in March. Although the machine should have gone to his two adult children, when they went to his property to pick it up it was nowhere to be found.
The children reported the missing skid steer, worth an estimated $18,000, and police began an investigation that led them to city workers that claimed they were instructed by Mayor Bequette to move the machine since it was blocking access to water lines.
Bequette claimed that he contacted the deceased man's family to notify them about the moving, but police said they found no evidence that the skid steer was blocking the water lines, nor that Bequette had contacted the family.
Police said they eventually found the skid steer inside a city facility and returned it to the family.
Stealing a construction vehicle is probably the least illegal thing an American mayor has ever done.
In fact, this crime is the minimum qualification for becoming the governor of Illinois.
OR HOW ABOUT……
Coral Springs, FL - A Coral Springs woman is facing felony burglary and assault charges after allegedly slapping a Chase Bank teller in the face with a check.
According to an arrest affidavit filed by the Coral Springs Police Department, Carolyn Elizabeth Johnson, 55, was identified as the suspect in a May 5 incident that began as a disagreement with a teller of the Chase Bank located at 8975 West Atlantic Boulevard.
CSPD records show that Johnson initially entered the public area of the bank but then reached over the teller counter into a restricted area after becoming frustrated that she couldn’t cash a check due to bank policy.
A warrant for Johnson’s arrest alleges that, angered she was told she would be unable to cash the check, she reached over the counter and hit the teller in the face with the check, then continued arguing before leaving the scene.
Surveillance footage reviewed by the police confirmed both the victim’s claims and the statements of witnesses.
Johnson was taken into custody and transported to the Broward County Main Jail. She was later released after posting a $15,000 bond.
In some cultures, slapping someone with a check is considered an invitation to duel.
You laugh, but this is really dangerous! Think of the paper cuts!
OKAY, ONE MORE……
AUCKLAND, NEW ZEALAND - A man is facing multiple charges - suspected of being behind seven early morning burglaries, two car thefts and three crashes over just 40 minutes.
Police said they were called to Udys Road in Pakuranga about 5:10am after someone reported a man breaking into their home and a physical confrontation.
Nobody was hurt and the man left on foot.
Police say minutes later two other reports came in also from Udys Road - one of a man trying to force their way into a home, and the other of a front door being smashed.
Another call then came just after 5.30am reporting a man forcing entry into a home on Pakuranga Road with a knife.
There was another call reporting a man kicking a door down and smashing things inside.
That person's car car keys and vehicle were stolen, with the car crashing through a gate onto Pakuranga Road and then onto Udys Road. The car then crashed at an intersection.
Another car was stolen on Reeves Street and pursued by police, but that car crashed too causing significant damage to a fence.
Seven early morning burglaries, two car thefts, three car crashes, and a par-tridge in a pear treeee!
Well, nobody can accuse this man of being boring.
- - - - - - -
BENCHMARK GAMES
== STRIP CLUB OR DAYCARE ==
I’m going to read you the name of a business and I want you to tell me if it’s a STRIP CLUB or a DAYCARE.
Baby Dolls in Hopewell, Virginia ….. STRIP CLUB
Rising Stars in Manchester, New Hampshire ….. DAYCARE
Goosebumps in Atlanta, Georgia ….. STRIP CLUB
Happy Time in Kearny, New Jersey …. DAYCARE
Busy Bees in Eliot, Maine ….. DAYCARE
- - - - - - -
BEST TWEETS
marce @MarceAlgara… i'm not my mother and i'm not my father but a third worse thing (their daughter)
Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues… I feel like whoever named them rice cakes has never actually eaten a cake.
@sonohoor… how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Midge @midge.bsky.social… my dogs probably think i'm an idiot for only sleeping once a day
Mimi @lladymocha… I just wanna apologize to the people I called old at 30 when I was 18
- - - - - - -
THOUGHT OF THE DAY
There are a lot more cats named Tom than mice named Jerry.
- - - - - - -
ON THIS DAY
JUN 23, 1780
The American Revolution: The Battle of Springfield is fought in and around Springfield, New Jersey (including Short Hills, formerly of Springfield, now of Millburn Township)
JUN 23, 1810
Businessman John Jacob Astor organizes the Pacific Fur Company in Astoria, Oregon
JUN 23, 1819
The first editions of “The Sketch Book of Geoffrey Crayon, Gent.” by author Washington Irving are released, featuring the story “Rip Van Winkle”
JUN 23, 1860
U.S. Congress establishes a Government Printing Office
JUN 23, 1888
Abolitionist Frederick Douglass is the first African-American nominated for U.S. President
JUN 23, 1908
The USA suspends diplomatic relationships with Venezuela after the refusal of Cipriano Castro's government to compensate Americans for injuries suffered in the uprising of 1899
JUN 23, 1919
Black Nationalist Marcus Garvey's Universal Negro Improvement Association (UNIA) incorporates
JUN 23, 1939
Bronko Nagurski beats Lou Thesz in Houston to win the National Wrestling Association world heavyweight title
JUN 23, 1940
After conquering France, Adolf Hitler visits Paris and views the Eiffel Tower and the grave of Napoleon Bonaparte
JUN 23, 1944
Novelist Thomas Mann becomes a U.S. citizen
JUN 23, 1947
U.S. President Truman's veto of the Taft-Hartley Act is overridden by Congress
JUN 23, 1955
Walt Disney's “Lady & the Tramp” is released
JUN 23, 1960
The first contraceptive pill is made available for purchase in the U.S.
JUN 23, 1961
Chicago Cubs legend Ernie Banks ends his 717 consecutive-games-played streak
JUN 23, 1963
U.S. Open Men's Golf, The Country Club: Julius Boros wins his second Open title in an 18-hole playoff with Arnold Palmer and Jacky Cupit
JUN 23, 1963
U.S. President John F. Kennedy tours Western Europe
JUN 23, 1969
Joe Frazier TKOs Jerry Quarry in eight rounds for the heavyweight boxing title
JUN 23, 1970
Rocker and singer Chubby Checker is arrested for marijuana possession
JUN 23, 1975
Rocker Alice Cooper falls off stage in Vancouver and breaks six ribs
JUN 23, 1980
The “David Letterman Show” debuts on NBC-TV daytime
JUN 23, 1983
The U.S. Supreme Court ruled Congress could not veto presidential decisions
JUN 23, 1986
Speaker of the House Tip O'Neill refuses to let President Reagan address the House
JUN 23, 1989
“Batman” premieres, directed by Tim Burton, starring Michael Keaton as Batman and Jack Nicholson as The Joker
JUN 23, 1990
African National Congress leader Nelson Mandela, on a U.S. tour, receives a tumultuous welcome in Boston
JUN 23, 2003
Barry Bonds steals second base against the LA Dodgers, becoming the first player in MLB history to have 500 career homers and 500 steals
JUN 23, 2004
Bob Dylan accepts an honorary doctorate of music degree from the University of St. Andrews, Scotland's oldest university
JUN 23, 2016
Brexit referendum: The United Kingdom votes to leave the European Union
- - - - - - -
BIRTHDAYS
JUNE 23
Melissa Rauch, actress (45)
Jason Mraz, singer (48)
Selma Blair, actress (53)
Alison Krauss, musician (54)
Frances McDormand, actress (68)
Randy Jackson, former American Idol judge (69)
Glenn Danzig, singer (69)
Clarence Thomas, Supreme Court Justice (77)
JUNE 24
Harris Dickinson, actor (29)
Beanie Feldstein, actress (32)
Lionel Messi, soccer star (38)
Solange Knowles, singer (39)
Ariana Madix, reality star (40)
Minka Kelly, actress (45)
Mindy Kaling, actress (46)
Petra Nemcova, model (46)
Chris Knight, country artist (65)
Mick Fleetwood, Fleetwood Mac drummer (78)
Jeff Beck, guitarist (1944–2023)