Mr. Laughs Prep 1/20/2026
Mr. Laughs Prep
TUESDAY, JANUARY 20, 2026
- FEATURED BIT: "MAKE GREENLANDERS AMERICANS" (Original Bit) (1:10)
The people of Greenland do not want to become Americans. Well, not yet anyway. Greenlanders might change their mind if they had their own version of a patriotic song like Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA."
https://tinyurl.com/2v36xkxd
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DAILY HOLIDAYS
- Camcorder Day
- International Day of Acceptance
- International Sweatpants Day
- National Buttercrunch Day
- National Cheese Lovers Day
- National Disc Jockey Day
- Penguin Awareness Day
- Take a Walk Outdoors Day
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ONE-LINERS
== TOP O THE NEWS ==
#
San Francisco honored Claude, the beloved albino alligator of the Steinhart Aquarium, with a farewell gathering of about 2,000 people after his passing. It’s too bad he passed away, but I’m not surprised. He’d been looking a little pale.
We wish it was a case of “see you later, alligator”, but Clause is heading to the big swamp in the sky.
(https://tinyurl.com/y5aybhuy)
#
Red “Make America Go Away” caps are becoming popular as a symbol of Danish defiance against Trump’s threat to seize Greenland, appearing at protests and online. Once Trump takes over Greenland, the hats will be refurbished to say “Make America Greenland Authorized”.
Now no matter where you are in the world, a bright red baseball cap will make you do a double take.
(https://tinyurl.com/3aber529)
== POLLS, STUDIES, AND SURVEYS ==
#
The world’s 12 richest billionaires now hold more wealth than four billion people, according to a new report on rising global inequality. I guess what I’m trying to say is this: I need to borrow some money.
I know money doesn’t buy happiness, but I bet those 12 people don’t cry at commercials.
(https://tinyurl.com/4up2ry6h)
== AROUND THE NATION ==
#
A UPS driver turned a routine delivery stop in Santa Ana, California into a heroic rescue, helping pull a 101-year-old woman from her smoke-filled condo. In this case, UPS stands for Unlikely People Saver.
She better make it to next Christmas and take care of this delivery guy!
(https://tinyurl.com/985n3ke8)
== AROUND THE GLOBE ==
#
A 12-year-old boy survived being mauled by a shark at Shark Beach in Sydney amid a recent spate of attacks. That’s the human headline. The shark headline reads “Brave Citizen Fights Off Another Human Invader Amidst Repeated Attacks”.
I’m not trying to blame the victim, but it’s called Shark Beach. That’s like getting beat up by Mickey Mouse at Disneyland. Maybe not exactly, but you get the gist.
(https://tinyurl.com/3tkk3v6n)
#
A 13-year-old Austrian cow named Veronika is drawing attention from scientists for using broomsticks as tools to scratch hard-to-reach spots, a rare sign of intelligence. The farmer who owns Veronika says he’ll be impressed once she starts sweeping the barn.
This begs the question: do smarter cows taste better?
(https://tinyurl.com/48vs9f4h)
== SHOW BIZ BUZZ ==
#
Bruce Springsteen criticized ICE during a surprise New Jersey performance, calling on the agency to leave Minneapolis. Welp, that’s the big gun. If they’re not going to listen to The Boss, they’re not going to listen to anyone.
It must be weird to be ICE and hear this from Springsteen. Especially since half those guys have “BORN IN THE USA” tattooed on them.
(https://tinyurl.com/ymtzuj42)
== CELEBRITY DRIVEL ==
#
Billy Bob Thornton dismissed rumors he is leaving Landman, blaming “AI-generated crap” and confirming he will return for season three. I’m just surprised a guy named Billy Bob knows what AI stands for.
He’s going to be upset when he finds out the scripts for season three are also AI-generated crap.
(https://tinyurl.com/2wfnebkp)
#
New details in Kiefer Sutherland’s rideshare arrest allege the actor punched and tried to choke an Uber driver, who told police Sutherland appeared to be under the influence. He’s lucky this happened in LA. A New York Uber driver would’ve had him in the trunk before they were off Broadway.
I hope he doesn’t get banned from Uber. Imagine being a celebrity and having to use Lyft. Wooft.
(https://tinyurl.com/ba894ydj)
== SPORTS SPURTS ==
#
Denmark and the US will face off in a preliminary ice hockey game at the Winter Olympics on February 14, marking a chilly matchup during frosty diplomatic relations. Am I the only one thinking they should up the ante and just have them play for Greenland, winner takes all?
It’d be a tough time for the US to lose publicly to Denmark. It’d be a real slapshot to the face.
(https://tinyurl.com/mr23sz2j)
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GENIUS AWARDS
AND TODAY’S GENIUS AWARD GOES TO……
Isaac Hurley was arrested Tuesday evening after police found him livestreaming a "24-hour challenge" while hiding in a closed Walmart in Englewood, Florida.
Officers responded to a 911 call reporting a man broadcasting "from inside the Walmart for a 24-hour challenge" and "hiding in the dog bed section."
Police discovered Hurley hidden between dog beds while actively recording on his phone.
After his arrest, Hurley "advised that he believed he could earn money from TikTok views and decided to conduct a 24-hour challenge inside Walmart."
He entered the store 45 minutes before its 11 PM closing time. Hurley faces felony burglary charges and theft for allegedly taking a $16 iPhone charger.
He posted $1500 bond and pleaded not guilty to all charges.
A judge ordered him to avoid contact with Walmart.
Hurley told police he was recently kicked out of his Tennessee home and had been in Florida only one week.
Is it a crime to go to Florida to make your influencer dreams come true? Yes, it is.
It's like that Natalie Portman movie where she's knocked up and secretly living in Walmart, but if she was a dude on TikTok hiding between dog beds.
https://tinyurl.com/ywvyp9j3
AND THEN THERE’S……
FORT WALTON BEACH, FL - Fort Walton Beach police arrested Fang Wang for battery on a specified official after she defecated toward officers during an attempted detention.
The incident occurred at Palms of Emerald Coast Massage Parlor when a Department of Health employee was conducting a routine inspection. According to police, Wang became upset and yelled at the inspector before trying to force them from the business. When officers attempted to detain Wang, she defecated toward them to avoid arrest.
Police said this was a follow-up investigation connected to previous search warrants at the same location when it operated as Blue Bay Massage & Spa, New Magnolia Spa and Classy Spa.
Why did we lose it at "toward?"
Fang Wang is an instant folk hero.
https://tinyurl.com/297ryue3
OR HOW ABOUT……
PRIOR LAKE, MN - A 48-year-old woman faces multiple charges after a Prior Lake, Minnesota police officer discovered drugs in a bag labeled "Definitely Not a Bag Full of Drugs" during a traffic stop.
When asked if she had been drinking, the woman replied "A lot," according to the Prior Lake News Compass. Her breathalyzer test showed she was more than twice the legal limit.
The officer then noticed the novelty bag, which contained a pot brownie and 14 psychedelic mushrooms, contradicting its humorous label. Police found additional drugs elsewhere during the search.
The woman was charged with four misdemeanor counts of drug possession and one misdemeanor count of drunken driving.
Drug holders sure love these bags!
To be fair, her bag contents seem more fun than harmful.
https://tinyurl.com/mpwdk4mz
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BENCHMARK GAMES
== FAKE NEWS OR FLORIDA ==
I’m going to read you some headlines and I want you to tell me if the story is FAKE
NEWS or something that really happened in the state of FLORIDA.
A Dade County man was arrested for stealing his daughter’s Girl Scout Cookie money
to pay off his bookie ….. FAKE NEWS
A Winter Springs woman named Kitty was arrested for stealing dogs ….. FLORIDA
A Palm Beach golfer was busted for disorderly conduct after relieving himself in a sand
trap ….. FAKE NEWS
A wanted Florida man was found hiding inside a dishwasher in a South Carolina mobile
home ….. FLORIDA
Police in Bradenton, Florida say someone donated a loaded grenade launcher to
Goodwill ….. FLORIDA
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THOUGHT OF THE DAY
Sometimes I get road rage just walking behind people in the supermarket.
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ON THIS DAY……
JAN 20, 1801
John Marshall is appointed as the U.S. chief justice
JAN 20, 1807
Napoleon convenes at The Great Sanhedrin in Paris
JAN 20, 1850
HMS Investigator headed by Robert McClure leaves England; the first expedition to make a Northwest passage (though some over ice)
JAN 20, 1869
Elizabeth Cady Stanton becomes the first woman to testify before U.S. Congress
JAN 20, 1870
Hiram R. Revels is elected to fill the unexpired term of Jefferson Davis as U.S. Senator for Mississippi
JAN 20, 1905
The U.S. begins supervising the Dominican Republic's national and international debts, testing President Theodore Roosevelt's “Corollary” to the Monroe Doctrine
JAN 20, 1921
The Republic of Turkey is declared out of the remnants of The Ottoman Empire
JAN 20, 1930
The first radio broadcast of “Lone Ranger” (WXYZ-Detroit)
JAN 20, 1941
Chinese Communist leaders re-organize the New Fourth Army in defiance of Nationalist leader Chiang Kai-shek's order for it to be disbanded
JAN 20, 1942
Nazi officials hold the notorious Wannsee Conference in Berlin to organize the “final solution,” the extermination of Europe's Jews
JAN 20, 1943
Operation Weiss: German, Italian, Bulgarian, & Croatian troops attempt to retake the land liberated by Tito's partisans
JAN 20, 1945
Franklin D. Roosevelt is sworn-in for an unprecedented (and never to be repeated) fourth term as U.S. President
JAN 20, 1949
J. Edgar Hoover gives Shirley Temple a tear gas fountain pen
JAN 20, 1949
U.S. President Harry Truman announces his four-point program
JAN 20, 1952
The NBA's first superstar George Mikan scores a career high 61 points leading the Minneapolis Lakers to a 91-81 double-overtime victory over the Rochester Royals
JAN 20, 1953
The first live U.S. coast-to-coast inauguration address (Eisenhower)
JAN 20, 1956
Buddy Holly records “Blue Days Black Night” in Nashville
JAN 20, 1961
Robert Frost recites “Gift Outright” at JFK's inauguration
JAN 20, 1965
Generalissimo Francisco Franco meets with Jewish representatives to discuss legitimizing Jewish communities in Spain
JAN 20, 1971
John Lennon meets Yoko Ono's parents in Japan
JAN 20, 1971
The single “What's Going On” by Marvin Gaye about police brutality is released
JAN 20, 1973
Richard Nixon's second inauguration as President of the United States takes place in Washington, D.C.
JAN 20, 1979
One million Iranians march in Tehran in a show of support for the exiled Ayatollah Khomeini, the fundamentalist Muslim leader
JAN 20, 1980
President Jimmy Carter announces a U.S. boycott of the Olympics in Moscow
JAN 20, 1981
Ronald Reagan inaugurated as the 40th President of the United States of America
JAN 20, 1982
Heavy metal musician Ozzy Osbourne bites the head off a bat on stage in Des Moines, Iowa
JAN 20, 1986
The first federal holiday honoring Martin Luther King Jr.
JAN 20, 1989
George H. W. Bush is inaugurated as the 41st U.S. President
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BIRTHDAYS
JANUARY 20
Evan Peters, actor (39)
Brantley Gilbert, country singer (41)
Questlove, drummer (55)
Skeet Ulrich, actor (56)
Melissa Rivers, Joan's daughter (58)
Stacey Dash, Clueless actress (59)
Rainn Wilson, actor (60)
John Michael Montgomery, country star (61)
Lorenzo Lamas, Renegade actor (68)
Bill Maher, talk show host (70)
Paul Stanley, Kiss rocker (74)
Buzz Aldrin, astronaut (96)
David Lynch, Twin Peaks director (1946-2025)
JANUARY 21
Luke Grimes, actor (42)
Emma Bunton, Baby Spice (50)
Charlotte Ross, actress (58)
Geena Davis, actress (70)
Billy Ocean, singer (76)
Jill Eikenberry, actress (79)
Placido Domingo, singer (85)
Jack Nicklaus, golfing legend (86)