Mr. Laughs Prep 12/23/2025
Mr. Laughs Prep
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2025
- FEATURED BIT: "DRAFT KINGS WRAPPED" (Original Bit) (0:52)
The end of the year is when your favorite apps present your year in review. But instead of showing you what music you listened to in 2025, one app shows you how much money you wasted gambling. Get ready for Draft Kings Wrapped.
In observance of the holidays, Mr. Laughs will stop posting prep sheets on Tuesday, December 23rd and will not resume until Friday, January 2nd, at which point we expect most of our writing staff to be completely sobered up. In the meantime, we'd like to wish all of you the Happiest Holidays allowable by law!
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DAILY HOLIDAYS
- Festivus
- HumanLight
- National Bake Day
- National Pfeffernüsse Day
- National Roots Day
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ONE-LINERS
== TOP O THE NEWS ==
#
AI pioneer Yoshua Bengio says if machines take most jobs, his advice to his grandson is to focus on becoming a better human, because that’s what technology can’t replace. Also, don’t blow the inheritance on Labubus.
Actually I think there’s an app for that, too.
(https://tinyurl.com/pmu8b7xe)
== POLLS, STUDIES, AND SURVEYS ==
#
A New York Times analysis suggests “theater kid” has emerged as a new political insult, increasingly used to mock Democratic politicians and activists. Republicans are more like Mathletes. They’re logical, can crunch the numbers, but not a fun table to sit at in the cafeteria.
This is a big step for republicans. Before Trump, they’re idea of a good insult was saying “That guy’s a real piece of work.”
(https://tinyurl.com/bdcm5r7m)
== AROUND THE NATION ==
#
The federal government is offering undocumented immigrants a bigger incentive to leave voluntarily, tripling a one time bonus to $3,000, as long as they register and leave by December 31st. Like people don’t have enough to do around the holidays.
This is like when they overbook an airplane, and the offer to give up your seat just keeps getting higher.
(https://tinyurl.com/k9ubkfrc)
#
Jim Beam will pause bourbon production at its flagship Kentucky distillery for all of 2026 as the company plans site upgrades and adjusts output. Shutting down production for a year? Sounds kind of whiskey.
We’ve all been there. Ya have a few too many, wake up hungover and have to take the year off.
(https://tinyurl.com/vyt96543)
== AROUND THE GLOBE ==
#
A silver steward at France’s Élysée Palace has been arrested for allegedly stealing presidential porcelain and silverware and selling it online. He didn’t think anyone would notice a golden spork missing, but the manager caught it.
This is why if you’re going to be a thief you need a good pawn shop guy. They keep their traps shut.
(https://tinyurl.com/3x6ktftt)
== SHOW BIZ BUZZ ==
#
Jimmy Kimmel is delivering a personal Christmas message airing only in the UK, hosting Channel 4’s Alternative Christmas Message after his feud with Donald Trump. I’m surprised he’s not calling it “How the Trump Stole Christmas”.
That’s Kimmel’s gift to the US – sparing us from this lecture.
(https://tinyurl.com/54rvxn3t)
#
Christopher Nolan has released the first teaser trailer of his epic adaptation of The Odyssey, his biggest and most expensive film to date. If it’s anything like Oppenheimer, this movie should be the bomb.
If you don’t know, The Odyssey is originally a poem written by Homer. And since you didn’t know, you’re probably thinking Simpson. That’s incorrect.
(https://tinyurl.com/467zv2w4)
== CELEBRITY DRIVEL ==
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Sylvester Stallone, 79, says he’ll never come to terms with his parents skipping the Oscars the night he won for Rocky, a role studios initially doubted. His parents are both passed now, but it should be noted that they never came to terms with Rocky V.
(https://tinyurl.com/3pchsasv)
#
Nicki Minaj made a surprise appearance at a conservative gathering in Arizona, praising President Trump and Vice President JD Vance as role models. For many of the conservatives in attendance, it was their first time witnessing twerking in real life.
Nicki’s done a full 180. This would be like if James Woods got onstage at a Rage Against the Machine concert.
(https://tinyurl.com/tautu69r)
== SPORTS SPURTS ==
#
Former MLB All Star Ender Inciarte criticized Disney Cruise Line after saying he was upset by men dressing as women on cruises aimed toward children. Turns out he was just confused and had never seen a man in a speedo before.
On one hand, I can see why he might be upset. On another, if I pay a few grand to go on a Disney cruise and I want to dress like the Little Mermaid, you ain’t stopping me.
(https://tinyurl.com/fyfrn627)
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GENIUS AWARDS
AND TODAY’S GENIUS AWARD GOES TO……
GRIFFITH, Ind. - A 43-year-old man is facing felony charges after allegedly stealing more than $6,200 worth of ice cream.
According to the Griffith Police Department, Christopher Stewart was charged with two felonies and one misdemeanor in connection with the theft.
Police said Stewart stole 258 cases of ice cream over several weeks. Investigators said he admitted to stealing the frozen desserts from delivery trucks and then selling them.
Stewart was taken to Lake County Jail.
A cold, but sweet... crime.
Take one down, pass it around... 257 cases of ice cream off the truck!
https://tinyurl.com/3s2ms6j5
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BENCHMARK GAMES
== FAKE NEWS OR FLORIDA ==
I’m going to read you some headlines and I want you to tell me if the story is FAKE
NEWS or something that really happened in the state of FLORIDA.
St. Petersburg Police arrested a wrecking ball operator for DUI after he smashed the
wrong building ….. FAKE NEWS
A Fort Meyers dog-walker was arrested after he left his marijuana stash inside a
customer’s house ….. FAKE NEWS
Two contestants were arrested at a bikini contest in Stuart, Florida after getting into a
high heeled shoe fight ….. FLORIDA
A Vero Beach man appealed his drinking and driving arrest because he only drank
when he was at stop lights ….. FLORIDA
Police in St. John’s County arrested an elderly man who tried to run over his neighbor
with a tractor ….. FLORIDA
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THOUGHT OF THE DAY
Remember this – He sees you when you’re DRINKING. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and a very Happy Holidays to all!
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ON THIS DAY
DEC 23, 1779
Benedict Arnold is court-martialed for improper conduct
DEC 23, 1783
U.S. General George Washington resigns his military commission as Commander-in-Chief of the Army to Congress
DEC 23, 1793
Thomas Jefferson is warned of slave revolts in the West Indies
DEC 23, 1815
“Emma,” by novelist Jane Austen, is published by John Murray in London
DEC 23, 1862
Union General Ben “Beast” Butler is proclaimed a “felon, outlaw & common enemy of mankind” by Jefferson Davis
DEC 23, 1888
Vincent van Gogh cuts off his left ear with a razor after an argument with fellow painter Paul Gauguin and sends it to a prostitute for safe keeping
DEC 23, 1913
U.S. President Woodrow Wilson signs the Federal Reserve Act into law
DEC 23, 1921
Gangster Carlo Gambino enters the United States as an illegal immigrant on the SS Vincenzo Florio
DEC 23, 1928
NBC sets up a permanent, coast-to-coast radio network
DEC 23, 1930
Bette Davis arrives in Hollywood under contract to Universal Studios
DEC 23, 1938
Margaret Hamilton's costume catches fire in filming of “The Wizard of Oz”
DEC 23, 1941
American forces on Wake Island surrender to the Japanese
DEC 23, 1943
General Bernard Montgomery is told that he is appointed commandant for D-day
DEC 23, 1947
The transistor is invented by John Bardeen, Walter H. Brattain, and William Shockley in Bell Labs
DEC 23, 1948
Cinderella,” the first full-length ballet by Frederick Ashton with music by Sergei Prokofiev, is first presented by Sadler's Wells Ballet at Covent Garden, London
DEC 23, 1954
The first human kidney transplant is performed by Dr. Joseph E. Murray at Peter Bent Brigham Hospital in Boston, Massachusetts
DEC 23, 1961
Fidel Castro announces that Cuba will release 1,113 prisoners from the failed 1961 Bay of Pigs Invasion for $62 million worth of food & medical supplies
DEC 23, 1963
The Beach Boys first appearance on “Shindig”
DEC 23, 1968
Frank Borman, Jim Lovell, and William Anders become the first men to orbit the Moon
DEC 23, 1970
The New York City World Trade Center reaches its highest point (411 m)
DEC 23, 1972
“Immaculate Reception” - the Steelers turns around a 7-6 defeat with a last second touchdown reception against the Raiders to win 13-7
DEC 23, 1975
Congress passes The Metric Conversion Act
DEC 23, 1980
Sam Shepard's famous play “True West” premieres in New York City
DEC 23, 1987
Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme, serving a life sentence for attempted assassination of President Gerald Ford, escapes from Alderson Prison
DEC 23, 1994
Fearing arrest by the FBI, Whitey Bulger flees Boston and successfully hides from law enforcement for the next sixteen years
DEC 23, 1994
Baseball owners impose a salary cap, which is fiercely opposed by the players
DEC 23, 1997
Chicago Bulls coach Phil Jackson is the quickest to reach 500 wins (682 games)
DEC 23, 1997
“As Good as It Gets” film is released, written and directed by James L. Brooks and starring Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt
DEC 23, 2012
200 civilians are killed by Syrian government warplanes in Helfaya, Syria
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BIRTHDAYS
DECEMBER 23
Finn Wolfhard, Stranger Things actor (23)
Holly Madison, Playboy model (46)
Eddie Vedder, Pearl Jam singer (61)
Bruce Hornsby, musician (72)
Susan Lucci, soap star (79)
Harry Shearer, Simpsons voice actor (82)